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Archive for May, 2012

From a friend’s blog, that prompted my thinking:
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“It’s largely about a change of focus. Will we focus on the closed door or on God and His unchanging nature?

But what about when God says wait? Sometimes I think that is harder than a thousand closed doors! It goes against our “do” nature and pricks at our insecurities. What if we surrender our all, keep walking, and God doesn’t pull through?

Lately, I’ve felt like I’ve wandered into the perpetual waiting room, and it’s easy to assume the not-yets mean no. It’s much harder to keep walking when the road continues to climb, the finish line shrouded from view.

Our faith is tested most, I believe, during times of waiting. The longer the wait, the more faith we’ll need.”
(Jennifer Slattery, When God Says Wait)
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I’d say this is quite accurate of me–the whole “will He pull through?”…as well as the woman at the well’s story of “how could He love me?”…lol, 😦

I guess I do feel like I’m waiting, afraid and cowardly…because it feels like I’m losing….humm, words can be hard to find….losing the potential of having the dearest friendship I’ve ever had, before it’s even truly begun.

I was seeking friendships, even a mentoring one, as soon as I came to my new church (last July when we moved to the area). It seems like it’s been far too long since I’ve had a close friend, but I wanted to change that, even stepping out to go to their ladies’ retreat last September when I wasn’t sure who, if any, I would know there. There were several ladies that crossed my “list” of potential “I wanna be friends with her” people, but the one that finally captured my heart was one that came into the bathroom (the most unglamous of places) to comfort me when I was sad and frustrated, not even thinking it was silly of me to be upset over something “minor”. (Looking back…perhaps it was simply a “stumbling block” placed there for me to truly see this wonderful lady.)

I admit, she wasn’t my first choice, perhaps because she was a bit quieter and less outgoing than the others. But yet, that very nature of quiet introvertedness is what drew me to her–she was like me! And yet, beyond me (in a good way)…having reached a spot farther along this faithful journey (perfect for a mentor).

I would love to spend time with this lady, getting to know her better. Yet, I’m afraid. Will the friendship last the distance when she moves? I know I’m horrible at staying in contact with anyone/everyone. I’m busy with two kids, but she’s busy with many things, both her family and ministry opportunities. Will I fit into her schedule or would I be a bother, an annoyance? Yet, I’d love to learn from her…yet so afraid to ask.

Today someone talked about women developing closer friendships–to not just “windowshop” for friends, but to go “into the back rooms” of each others lives. I’d love to go into this lady’s “back room” and learn more about her and from her, but would she be accepting of mine?

I’m afraid…so I write this instead of talking with her…with much tears and many fears. Maybe she will understand…maybe she will get what I really mean.

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